Mike's Ekamai Thonglor Bar Guide: What kind of drinker are you?

There's lots of different ways to skin a cat and the same is true for drinking. Here's my attempt to categorize the major groups you'll encounter in life...or more specifically in Bangkok.

The Bottom Feeder.
We've all been through this stage and frankly I keep revisiting it. Basically your looking for a cheap night out that usually starts with a couple of big bottles of the cheapest malt swill you can find. Around here that means Leo or Red Horse but often the more premium brews, Singha (pronounced Sing) and Chang, are selected for their coma-inducing alcohol content. Now off to the bar to continue the inevitable down-slide of dignity by engaging in irritating conversations with strangers through an all too common glassy eyed stare. For the drinker the experience is akin to sniffing hairspray or drinking Listerine however without the great hair or minty fresh breath.

The Brew Master.
These guys are experts on beer and actually know what the difference is between an ale, a lager and a stout...or at least they pretend to. Often found sipping a luke-warm Guinness or Kilkenny, Brew Masters baulk at Bottom Feeders oddly enough arriving at the same drunken stupor as their frugal friends. Also known as Pub Pomp for their choice of venue and stuck-up attitude towards anything except sports. Warning: Brew Masters can often be pompous asses and may be found at the center of an equally obnoxious cloud of cigar smoke.

The Straight Man.
No beer here, the Straight Man likes his liquor simple and fast like a 30 minute soapy. This is the most common drinker in Thailand and includes a large collection of Johnnie's friends. A variation on the Straight Man, the Not-So Straight Man, uses a delicate balance between flat pop, ice, and liquor to remove the cheap paint thinner taste and make the mix more palatable. The Straight Man may be perceived as more sophisticated than the beer drinker but this exterior belies the truth that liquor in Thailand is cheaper and buying a bottle ensures you a table.

The Hitman.
Taking shots like a drug dealer in a Schwarzenegger movie the Hitman is known for being a party favorite as he actively encourages others to take part in his plundering of brain cells. These B52 pilots love to experiment and while simpler shots of tequila are often downed towards the end of the night, early on his tastes lean towards sophistication in the form of anything that burns. Careful though, while it may not be obvious to some, fire and drunk idiots don't mix. The Hitman often comes with a day job as either a Straight Man or Bottom Feeder.

The Cocktail Bunny.
Let's be honest, cocktails are mighty tasty but in all but a few venues they are inappropriate displays of femininity. Even that apple-tini which you might think hides your sweet tooth behind a facade of elegance is the wrong choice for a guy out on the town. True Cocktail Bunnies are typically women who start the night with "I don't like to drink, alcohol tastes yucky" and end with her in more laps than a library portable computer. Cocktail Bunnies are great to hang with but keeping them active really dents the wallet so after a few let the bar keep their fruit and Smurf umbrellas and pull a fast one on them by switching them to standard mixes. Spy and Bacardi Breezer drinkers fit in here and offer a cheaper alternative to wasting perfectly good orange juice.

The Socialite.
Who orders a glass of red wine in a club? The Socialite is often found behind some velvet rope pretending that social interaction and dancing is for chumps. This pretentious crowd of drinkers typically arrives at the club dressed for a broadway musical. Fashioning sunglasses that could hide a gorilla they feel secure in their sea of fellow self-worshippers and coveted by us lesser patrons. Granted wine is certainly appropriate at the right place and time but rule of thumb...if the drink can get spilled by a bump at a crowded bar then switch to Spy and take your shades off. One last note, champagne is for weddings, private parties and Japanese lady bars!

The Home Pro.
Everyone has a couple of bottles at home but these guys like to pretend that having a few half bottles of swill makes them a bartender. Staying home most nights or trying to kick off the evening with "drinks at my place" will leave you with a poor man's concoction of left over Sprite, milk and flavored vodka. Always disappointing to all but the Home Pro himself, try to avoid invites unless the guy owns at least 4 staples (rum, vodka, gin, whiskey), 4 liquors (Kahlua, 2 or more schnaps, triple sec, Chambord, etc) and an ample supply of mixers. As for the Home Pro, leave the drink mixing for the professionals and just keep a well stocked fridge of beer. Thinking you're the exception...go here to find out what makes a good bartender.

Get to know your alcohol.
Before I came to Thailand I was a typical suburbanite and spent adequate time in all of the roles above. More often though I was a Home Pro with a very well appointed house bar of over 100 bottles. Simply owning lots of liquor does not by any means make you a bartender so after months of experimenting and bad stomachs I stumbled across this site. I-Drink.com allows you to list all the alcohols and mixers you have and it returns a list of cocktails you can make. This is great for parties and I suggest having this running regulary on a laptop near the bar to help guests select their poison for the night.

So, what kind of drinker are you? Take the poll.