The Trouble with Thailand - Part I

Here's a piece from a new contributor you might enjoy...

You always hear stories about how we, us underhanded, dirty, scheming, horny perverts, ply the innocent virgin ladies with alcohol, in diabolically underhanded schemes to get them drunk enough to sleep with us. I've always scoffed at such notions. Hunters don't go around drugging dead antelope and tossing them about for lions to eat, shooting the poor bastards as they lie comatose. Its boring, unsatisfying, and poor sportsmanship.

On Friday however, I learnt different.

Santika is the place to be in Bangkok on a Friday night. At least if you're young and like having a decent time. Sadly, I've yet to find a decent place to dance here; the Thais must not understand the fascination of just grinding mindlessly, and making out on the dance floor is a rather foreign concept. The music isn't bad, and I've even managed to stop myself grinning every time the token white guy takes the stage with the Thais. To his credit, he's not bad and bears a superficial resemblance to an older, less skinny Eminem.

While I like the music at Santika, the crowd is a bit hit and miss. Friday was definitely a miss. The company wasn't bad, my driver Nod is a good friend, a decent wingman, and holds his alcohol well. Usually you can pick out one or two babes to flash a grin at before you reach your table, but that night I was struggling and feeling hungry like being in a restaurant serving food you don't really fancy. Eventually I gave up and started the drinking games, a sign that my goals had shifted from picking up to just getting smashed and maybe trying out a few dance moves.

After receiving a dirty look or two from the guy standing next to us for repeatedly standing on his toes, I decided my heel toe was definitely moving from the realm of passable to public nuisance, and it had better stay under wraps until I'd had some time to practice again. Resigning myself to a night of swaying and foot tapping, I just sat back to chill.

Not my night apparently, because we were somehow chatted up by a pair of girls from the next table. It gave me insight to how girls feel when guys just invite themselves over to their tables. Normally I wouldn't have complained, had they been attractive...

Unfortunately, while one was a passable 7, the other will remain unrated, due to my New Year's resolution to refrain from being an asshole and accumulating bad karma. Let's just say I wouldn't, single, drunk or otherwise.

The 7 took a liking to Nod, the lucky bastard. Obviously there was only one other possible outcome. I willed a smile onto my face and engaged her friend in conversation. Actually conversation is too much, it was more like an exchange of bad Thai and gestures, with me managing to look interested. Suddenly, she tries to dance with me. I pride myself in being a decent dancer but with dancing, a lot of it is motivation really. And when I really don't want to, even feigning enthusiasm is near impossible. What happens in the next few moments would not be inaccurately described as my impression of Pinochio with his joints superglued.

I returned to drinking after a bit, hoping to get a bit of respite after she moved to speak with her friend. No go. She sees me drinking, and immediately tries to coerce me into skulling more booze. Don't get me wrong. Give me a hot girl who wants to get drunk, and I'll take my liver for a ride, but again, if you're not, I see no upside for me to risk cirrhosis. And I get the impression she was really plying me with the johnnie in an attempt to get me to put on the beer goggles. Not so easy. I'm a prize drinker, which doesn't just entail being able to hold your own, but when to duck and weave. I duck and weave.

Still, she plies me with alcohol. I resist. She does what she must imagine to be her idea of flirting and temptation. God help me, I ran for the bathroom, and took the longest slash in my life.

Fortunately, clubs in Bangkok close strangely early. No more 6am all-nighters for me. I'm not that young anymore anyhow. I thought I'd finally managed to extricate myself from the rather forgettable situation. Sadly, the night was not yet over...

to be continued.